This is a reprint of an article taken from my sister blog:
I'm sure it will strike a chord with many of you who visit regularly.  No explanation needed.


You asked me ............

A short while ago I published a post about indifference.  I removed it because I didn't think it related to my blog, i.e. frugal living, money saving etc.,  however, it related to quite a few of you apparantly and lots of you identified with it and have asked me to post it again.

I would like to say that although it is proven that it is men who show most indifference to women, this is not always the case, and sometimes it is women who are the worst offenders, so I am not 'pointing the finger' of blame at anyone. 

This is very personal to me, and I hope by posting it again, it will help others.
Have you ever been involved with someone who is 'cold, detached and indifferent' ?

 The distant ones who feel nothing, have no ambition, no empathy, no understanding. They don't see another's pain, they don't see/understand the pain they cause, they don't understand happiness and joy, they are not impressed or excited by anything, they never notice what's going on around them, and even if they do, they don't care, they are incapable of caring.

You can be on your knees, crying out for help, hope, compassion, a sign of caring or even just to be acknowledged - it won't come. Or you can be outwardly going about your daily business putting on a brave face but inside you are falling apart, crumbling and wondering how on earth your heart carries on beating. These people won't even notice, and if they do, their answer is to walk away, because that's the easy way out. They will carry on regardless knowing that it will 'blow over' soon, but not knowing or caring about the damage they have done.

This kind of treatment does far more harm than a physical beating, this treatment leaves you emotionally battered, bruised and broken, your self-esteem will be on the floor and every time you think you can't sink any lower - you do !

Whatever you do, you will 'never' get through to these people, so don't even try. They are inheritantly selfish and totally self centred, don't expect kindness and understanding, they are incapable of giving it. Their coldness is difficult to understand. they have had an 'emotional bypass' and are dead from the neck up. Yet these people expect kindness, understanding and love in return - for little or no input. I speak from bitter and very painful experience.

These cold people will destroy your soul, crush your spirit, stamp on any hopes you have for the future and reduce you to a miserable wreck with no self-confidance, dreams or happiness, whilst all the time carrying on with their own lives oblivious to the pain they are causing.

- the only real answer if you find yourself tied up with someone like this is 'head for the hills' and regain control of your life, but that's easier said than done, I know that, if you can't escape immediately, and you may not want to, you must have a plan, and stick to it for your own self survival, even through so-called 'good days', remember 'one swallow does not a summer make' - ask me !!

I know it takes all sorts to make a world and we are all different etc. etc., but I honestly believe the world would be a better place without these types.

Read on ............
"What is destroying modern relationships?"
The opposite of love is not hatred. The opposite of love is indifference. Hatred is an extreme that only destroys a handful of relationships, but indifference destroys millions. Hatred isn't responsible for the slow poisoning of relationships that we see all around us today. Indifference is causing the wedge between all of our relationships in our modern age.
"Whatever!" Just this simple expression has become one of the most common colloquialisms of our time. What does it mean? It means, "I don't care", "leave me alone", "I can't be bothered", "You annoy me", etc., or worse of all, they just don't 'hear' you and walk away. They will neglect you continuously and not even be aware of it. Why not just kick you in the ****** ! and have done with it. It means "I am indifferent to your needs".
You will never, never 'lift' an indifferent person, they will always, always drag you down to their level, if you let them.
Indifference is the most destructive force at work against our relationships. Where there is indifference there is no passion. Indifference destroys all energy and enthusiasm for the great pursuits of life. Where there is indifference there is no sense of purpose. When we become indifferent to the passions and purpose of our lives, we begin to lead what Thoreau described as lives of quiet desperation. If someone is indifferent in the relationship, then it is dying.
The opposite of indifference is obviously love. Indifference separates while love unites. (Even look at how indifference has affected and literally divided our country, don't worry, I won't get political here). Indifference doesn't care, but love cares deeply. Indifference is hopeless while love is full of hope. Indifference is cynical (this is a big one among singles in their late thirties thru early 50's). Indifference despairs, while love rejoices. Indifference cannot be bothered while love gets involved. Indifference is scarcity while love is abundance. Indifference is tired while love is energetic.
When you meet this indifference in a person you care about deeply, it is like trying to walk through a wall of emotional quicksand. Nothing is more painful than when you deeply love someone who is indifferent to you and your relationship. If you have an indifferent person in your relationship, it's not just dying, it's already dead - thanks to them.
What is the cure for indifference? Well love of course. But let me warn you now, lest you form an illusion that will later be your undoing, that to love a person out of indifference requires the patience of Job! People have to want to change and most people living a life of indifference, of apathy of not caring do not want to change because indifference is easy. It's miserable. But it's also easy. Many people will choose easy over joy and passion and happiness because those things take work. Hard work brings about confidence, accomplishment, a sense of being something, brings us toward being a better version of ourselves. But you have to want it. If you know you life an indifferent life you have to want to change. You cannot change someone who doesn't want to change. Please remember that the only person you can change is yourself. And the one hope you have in helping your indifferent partner to want to change is for you to change and live with as much soul and passion for life as possible.
Indifference represents soulless living. Love is the fruit of soulful living. We must turn our attention to soulful living in every area of our lives, not just in the area of relationships in order to free ourselves from the great indifference that surrounds us every day. Our culture tries desperately to convince us with the full force of advertising and the media of the myth that fun, excitement, pleasure and the constant purchasing of possessions will free us from this desperation we feel from soulless living. But in truth, these things only mask the problem, making us feel the desperation ever more deeply. These things are not fulfilling. They are okay in moderation, but if this is all you do, or if all you do is nothing, the results can be devastating to relationships, including the one you have with yourself.
Soulful living liberates us from the disease of indifference. So what does it mean to live soulfully? What does it mean to have soulful relationships? Everything we do every day can be done soulfully, if we approach it with our essential purpose in mind. Some people believe it is impossible to find any meaning in their work. But if a man sweeps the streets for his entire life, and he does it with the intention of being the best street sweeper he can be, paying attentions to detail, working hard, working well, he will become a better version of himself. However, a man who serves as president of a large corporation, earning enormous amounts of money, but at the same time is consumed by greed, dishonesty and laziness, will become a lesser version of himself with every passing day. Which man has more meaningful work? There is no question it's the street sweeper but it's all in how much "soul" he puts into whatever he does.
Reading great books is soulful. Emotional vitality is a sign of soulfulness. Soulful people are intellectually curious. They want to learn and grow. Tending to our souls, exploring the life of the spirit, is soulful living. Washing the car is just washing the car until you decide to do it to the best of your ability. Cooking is just cooking until you put your heart and soul into it. Even the most trivial activities in our lives take on great meaning when we approach them with soul, with our essential purpose in mind.
We need to bring this soulfulness into our relationships. Even the smallest acts can be done with an absolute commitment to the essential purpose of the relationship. What does it mean to love a person? To love a person means to do everything within your power to help that person become the best version of herself and never do anything that would hinder her from achieving this great essential purpose. Soulfulness is a way of life which once tasted becomes an obsession.
Soulful people have large and generous hearts and they lavish love without discrimination upon the people who wander into their lives. They live in a world of passion, joy, appreciation and abundance. They energize those who cross their path and their love of life is contagious.

Are you energizing those around you? Are you living soulfully? Just that tiny change in attitude can change your life forever.

Any thoughts ?


Which Butterfly are You ... ?

Today I went into my garage and saw a beautiful butterfly throwing itself up against the closed window in an attempt to escape out into the sunshine.  It was never going to happen, the window didn't open, but the door was open, but the poor thing couldn't escape because it was caught fast by the finest of silver spider threads, almost invisible to the eye, but holding the creature tightly.

I gently freed it and sent it on it's way up into the Spring sunshine.

Sadly, close by, were two more butterflies, also caught with a fine thread but were dead, having given up on the fight to get free, they had accepted their fate, the fight had been too much.  A little help was all they needed to fly away.

Sometimes, even when help comes, we don't see it, or don't want to see it, so we miss opportunities to free ourselves from the silver threads that bind us.

If help were available to you, would you accept it, or accept your fate ?  would you try to escape, or think you could never break free ?  would you recognise the help if it were in front of you ?

Which butterfly are you ... ?      


 Holiday Times are the worst ...

Christmas time can be a waking nightmare for those living the hell of an emotionally abusive marriage/relationship.
For the sake of all those around us (not even considering our own feelings) we paint on a face, put on a mask, smile and laugh with the rest of them, and to the outside world, all is well.  We even pretend to like (love?) our abuser. The truth however, is very different.  Inside we are dying, we are suffocating whilst all hope is being destroyed.
We smile whilst our souls are crushed and our spirit fades.
We cry silently every night into our pillows.

After the Christmas period, the next most painful time is the annual holiday, which you will almost all do if you have children.
Again, we smile and laugh and pretend to be enjoying ourselves.   Perhaps we even do for a short time, making sand castles with the children, enjoying the fun fair, it takes away the pain if only for a little while, but we will grab that short respite and put the hurt on the back burner.  It never goes away though, it is growing ever bigger with your misery and heartache.

So why do we do this ?  we don't want the world to know what we are going through, yet why not ?  are we ashamed ? is to admit to our misery a sign of failure ? 
Do we fear even more emotional abuse if we let the mask slip even for a minute ?
Are we afraid to even think there may be a way out ? and an escape route ?

I have done all of the above and more for many years, until one day I woke up and decided that 'Enough is Enough' and started putting together my plan to escape.

Oh so slowly at first, almost afraid to think that it could be done, let alone do it ! but my misery together with my naturally optimistic nature helped me to succeed.

One day at a time, I researched, made notes (kept secret of course!), solved seemingly insurmountable problems inch by inch, day by day.

The result of my efforts and SUCCESS are in the book.

Please don't suffer in silence as I did for way too long.  Even if reading the book just sparks some ideas in your heart and mind, and helps you plan for the future, then it has been worth the writing.  Believe me, writing it was a very painful experience for me, but the knowledge that so many beautiful and abused women were suffering made me commit pen to paper (or computer!)

Take care of  yourselves ..... you deserve to be happy, you weren't born to suffer !


So How Do You Recognise an Emotional Abuser ... ?

We have all be victims of emotional abuse, many of us probably don't even realise this.  It varies in its intensity, from very mild, the sort of thing we just shrug off everyday because there is no malice intended, to the downright destructive, soul destroying, life threatening actions of a cold, detached, selfish evil personality.  This is the kind of abuse that no one sees, because it's behind closed doors and drawn curtains, but it is every bit as harmful and devastating as the physical violence that is much easier to spot.

Here are some examples - do you recognise yourself or your circumstances in any of these situations.

Psychological and emotional abusers manipulate their 'victims'  They know how to 'wind them up', and which buttons to press.  They will continue their destructive behaviour until they make you snap and lose control, then will calmly tell you that you are the crazy one, YOU need help.
They will remain calm to make it look like they totally in control and you are the 'crazy lady' who needs therapy.

Underneath this, they will be congratulating themselves because yet again, they have caused you to 'lose it' which is giving them the power, the control over you and they lose no opportunity to tell you so.  In fact, the more you 'lose it' the happier and more powerful they are becoming.

If you are unfortunate enough to have one of these 'scenes' witnessed by friends or relatives, all they will see is you flipping your lid, they won't see the hours and hours of relentless 'winding up' that you  have endured to make you this way.

You feel like you are going crazy, you are bursting inside because of the injustice of it, and your hatred towards your partner just increases.

Some forms of emotional abuse can leave you wondering if, in fact, you are to blame.  The silent treatment is doled out to wives regularly and leaves them thinking what have they done to deserve it.  This is particularly cruel and soul-destroying.  It makes you feel insecure, confused and emotionally drained and guilty even though you don't know why.
Just when you're thinking things are going well, you will be put firmly back in your place with the silent treatment.  The pain is palpable, you feel it just as if you had been punched.
Do you feel that your partner is quietly sabotaging your plans, hopes and dreams ?  this is another form of emotional abuse.
For example, do you have ideas, hopes and plans, which when you discuss with your partner, he 'appears' to be very interested, even taking an active interest and offering advise and support ?  Then, he will say or do something, it could be something very small but it will be like throwing a bucket of icy water on all your plans ?  this is not accidental, this is deliberately building you up to knock you down, and once again, he will feel he has all power over you and therefore make him feel superior. 
The reason emotional abusers need to feel superior, is because they feel inferior, and are afraid of what you can achieve on your own without them, by keeping you and your plans 'down' they will stay 'up' and in charge, and have no fear of you becoming more successful/popular than they are.
Being made to feel inferior by an emotional abuser is a favourite ploy, and he will use it whenever, however, he can.
For instance, do you ever find yourself in mid-sentence and he will just break in and start talking about something completely different as if he hasn't heard a word you said ?  he has heard alright, but he has to knock you down again before you get 'above yourself' or rather 'above him', he is scared.
When you are in company do you find yourself the brunt of his 'loving' little jokes ?  well they get very tiresome after a while, an they're not 'loving' at all, they are carefully designed to knock you down again, and eat away at your confidence,  especially if someone else is finding you interesting.
Does he ignore everything you do ?  as if it hasn't happened ?  do you sometimes think he hasn't even noticed you have a pulse ? - it's all deliberate.
You make a special meal and he wolfs it down without a comment as if it was nothing special, leaving you feeling disappointed and upset that your efforts haven't been noticed or appreciated.
Do you make a special effort with your appearance, wearing nice or new clothes and he doesn't comment or appear to have noticed leaving you feeling rejected and unappreciated ?  well he's noticed alright, but he won't do anything to build your ego or your confidence, why should he when he needs all the attention and compliments himself.
Don't make the mistake of thinking you can change an emotional abuser - you won't.  You will end up tired, drained, with your self esteem at rock bottom, all cried out and feeling destroyed.  THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE - in fact they appear to thrive while you are going downhill - FAST.
You have a choice, stay and continue the way you are, because make no mistake, it won't change, OR you can start planning to leave and live the life you deserve.


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